51 Things Emmett Cullen is NOT allowed to do

1. Forcefully dress Carlisle in a disco suit... 2. And then ask him if Barry Manilow knows he raided his wardrobe
3. Steal all of Bella's bras...
4. And then wear the raciest one over his shirt to school...
5. And claim that he did it to make a statement about gender stereotypes
6. Panse Edward as he's walking to class...
7. Especially in front of a crowd of lust-filled girls
8. Refer to Esme as 'The Stepford Wife'
9. Claim to have had wild and crazy sex with Edward's piano
10. Claim to have had wild and crazy sex with Edward's car
11. Claim to have had wild and crazy sex with Edward's girlfriend (Bella)
12. Claim to have had wild and crazy sex with Edward
13. Claim any of numbers 9 to 12 loudly in the cafeteria
14. Refer to Jasper's empathy as 'Jasper's feminine problem'
15. Paint Alice's 911 Turbo a color other than yellow
16. Ask Rosalie if he she thinks he needs a breast reduction, so that his chest will be smaller than hers
17. Tell anyone who will listen that there really is a Voldemort...
18. And that his real name is Aro Volturi
19. Offically declare the third Saturday of every month 'Seduce Carlisle Day'
20. Threaten to exsanguinate anybody who annoys him with his 'vampire fangs'
21. Repeatedly sing 'I've got a lovely bunch of cocnuts' using items such as Edward's ego, Alice's butt, Bella's klutziness and Jasper's sensitivity as the size of the last coconut
22. Call Debussy 'elevator music' in front of Edward
23. Hold Alice's favorite pair of shoes over her head so she has to jump for them
24. Tell everyone that he's pregnant...
25. And the baby's Esme's
26. Call all Texans a bunch of hicks in front of Jasper
27. Wear Rosalie's make up and clothes to school...
28. And then fake sob and tell the guidance counselor that he feels like his family is pressuring him to be with Rosalie, and that he's unsure of his sexuality and who he really is
29. Sing 'No Sleep Tonight' when Edward leaves to go watch Bella sleep
30. Call Alice a munchkin and offer her a lollipop for being such a cute little girl
31. Hum the Jaws theme song whenever Alice walks by
32. Start yelling the lyrics of Kelly's Txt Message Break Up at Edward randomly, while pretending like Edward really broke up with him and it's not a song
33. Tell the NSA that he overheard Carlisle make a threat on the President's life
34. Ask little girls in a creepy voice if they like puppies
35. Pretend to fall asleep in class...
36. And then pretend to be having a wet dream in which Jasper is the star...
37. Especially when Jasper is sitting in the desk next to his
38. Dye his hair blonde...
39. And then tell everyone blondes really do have more fun
40. Imagine Bella naked in Edward's prescence just to annoy him
41. Paint mustaches on all of Carlisle's paintings of people
42. Replace all of Esme's cleaning supplies with paint
43. Start a Vampires Anonymous group...
44. And invite all the goth/emo kids at school to join
45. Sing 'I'm Too Sexy'
46. Dance to 'I'm Too Sexy'
47. Speak only in third person for days
48. Sob hysterically at lunch about how fat he is, and announce he's going on a diet
49. Write things such as 'Prada is 4 prudes' and 'Dolce & Gabbana is crap' all over Alice's school books
50. Tell Bella's friends that Bella and Edward are both into really kinky exhibitionist stuff, it's why they're soooo perfect for each other

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'Well, that's everything for part two, I suppose.' Alice said as she scanned the list. 'Not like it'll make much difference.' Bella commented. She, Alice and Rosalie sat close together at the dining room table in the Cullen's house.
'Still, it makes Esme feel better to see the lists mounted in the living room. My husband. Honestly. He acts like he's seven not seventy.' Rosalie replied as she put the finishing touches on her manicure.
Bella and Alice nodded in agreement.
The three stood, and headed into the living room. Alice took the list and taped it to the wall. The three girls stood back and looked at it.
'Well, what do you guys want to do now?' Bella asked.
Alice opened her mouth and was about to answer when Emmet came running through the front door with a large object wrapped in a blanket.
'Alice! Thank goodness you're here--I need to hide the nuclear warhead before the feds arrive!'
'Dear God.' Bella said.
'YOU STOLE A NUCLEAR WARHEAD!?' Rosalie shreiked.
'I was improving it!' He defended.
Alice grabbed his arm and ran with him outside, presumeably to show him a place where no one would find it. Bella and Rosalie stood in shocked silence for a minute before Bella sighed, turned to the list and scrawled at the bottom:
51. Steal nuclear warheads to improve them. Correction: he is not allowed to steal anything, including but not limited to government property, underwear, kitchen utensils and cheese wheels...